Tag Archives: attitude

Is It Okay for Women to Approach Men

By Sowhatiff “Never Scurred” Jenkins

While women are going around getting all independent and what not, there are still things that remain somewhat traditional…the initial approach.

I know I was once guilty of this attitude: “If he likes me, he will come over here and talk to me (despite my pack of 7 friends, and stank look).” So…yeah…I have learned that that is not necessarily the right attitude to have. Though I touched on this in my Are Black Women That Stank entry, I thought I’d take it a step further.

Women often think that making the “first move” sends certain signals to men. As usual, we are often caught up in over-thinking.

Woman to Self: Omg. If I say something to him, he’s going think I’m flirting.

Self to Woman: Which I am, cuz he is fine.

Woman to Self: He’s going to think I want to have sex with him. I ain’t that type of chic.

Self to Woman: Well, eventually I will give up the draws, but not today…

She has this dialog with herself, and by the time she makes a decision, homeboy has moved on.

But does it have to be like this? Why is it that women feel as though we cannot make a first move? We have been conditioned to think that a man has to take that first step. Well, I posit that this not always the case.

He probably doesn’t think you are a jump.

Unless you want him to. Short of you talking all super sexy as you order your morning coffee, or stroking his chest (or your own) all sensual-like as you converse, you are probably not sending the “let’s take it to the back seat” message. If you are looking to get the jump off jumped off, or not, you are probably hinting at something by a bunch of unconscious signals. Tone of voice. Posture. Distance between you and him. Stuff like that.  Pay attention to the signals.

Your environment matters.

Making the first move in the club is one thing. Drinks are involved. Heavy grinding beats are bumping. Sexy lighting is all around. All of these things factor into the sending and receiving of messages. Speaking to a man at the gym or at some other well lit venue that does not serve dranks, or sell condoms in the men’s room, can impact the way messages are sent, and received.

If he didn’t come up to you first, it doesn’t necessary mean he doesn’t think you’re hot.

This is where learning to chill, and not over think can come in handy. Think about the times where you were not initially super physically attracted to someone, and, minus the snaggle tooth they turned out to be a good catch anyway. He may not have noticed you at the same moment you saw him. Maybe his line up is not on point today. What if his breath is kicking like Kung Fu fighting.  Or he might be shy. ::Gasp:: Yes, sometimes guys are shy.  Try not to get lost in doubting yourself before you know what’s what.

Men like to feel desired too.

The same way we like to be complimented on the effort we took to get all fly, men probably like the same treatment to a degree. I don’t mind telling a man that his button up looks good, or that he has a nice smile. Sometimes, you may engage in further conversation and exchange digits, but often times, you don’t and just part ways. No harm, no foul.

Ladies, don’t be scurred.  Sparking a conversation does not make you look ::insert all the negative things you think here::.  Just be who you are.  Whoever that is (jump off or otherwise) is likely to shine through.

What do you all think about women making the first move?


Are Black Women Really that Stank?

No, not stank like funky.

This past weekend, I braved the lameness that is Philly night life and went out with some friends. It was a little before midnight, but the place was starting to get a little packed. I was standing against the wall watching some Olympic event on one of the clubs fly big screens, when I made I contact with the relatively well dressed black man. He smiled at me, I smiled back politely and nodded, and then glanced back up at the screen. In my supersonic periphery I noticed homeboy still glancing my way, with a look of astonishment on his face. He leaned in and said “I didn’t know black women smiled at black men anymore.” I smiled again, and said something witty about mean-mugging. He laughed and went back to chatting with his boy. A few minutes later as he was changing post up spots, he extended his hand to me, smiled and said “You made my night. Have a good one.”

As I continued to watch the pretty TVs, I thought about what this man said. (At this point in the night, my thoughts were more entertaining than the crowds of people shamelessly dancing off beat.) Are black women really that stank? I know I have to catch myself sometimes and snap out of my tight “don’t say anything to me” grill. But I thought this was something relatively unique to me.

Now that I am maturing and becoming more self aware and such, I have started to pay attention to this. But like dude said, are black women like this across the board? Or is just at the club when we are trying to keep the snaggle toothed busters away? Do we only smile when we are trying to get men to buy us (and the army we came with) dranks? Does the stank look cross all situational barriers?

If it does, something may be wrong here.

First, lets not assume every man is trying to get in those jeans or dress pants. (please see “No Girl, It’s Not that Deep). We are quick to talk about how we can’t find eligible black men and all that. While this may be a reason for the “I smell something nasty” face in theory, it is not that man’s fault he is an endangered species. No I am not saying every man could be Mr. Right, or the next Mr. Right Now, but loosen up a bit.

No one (male or female) wants to talk to a sour puss. Pause. I used to adopt this “I am going to look as stank as I want to because a real man will see past that and want to approach me anyway.” Girl, please. You know you and your girls talk about the broads across the room that are looking all ug and bitter. Sadly, you often do too. So imagine how a group of dudes see that. I can just hear them now talking talking about how silly we look.

Please don’t think I am saying walk around with a Kodak smile at all times. Where I’m from, those smiley faced people get got. Nor am I saying every black man warrants a smile just because. That dude with the tattered pants and non-gangster lean licking his lips at you…you shouldn’t smile at him…or maybe you should just so he doesn’t crazy and charge at you…you make that call. I’m just saying, if someone nods and smiles at you in a respectful and decent manner, it is only polite to do the same. All the eye rollin and neck snapping is not necessary all the time. It makes you look nicer, even if you’re not, and it could serve some positive end. Your smile could make his day. Maybe now he wants to exchange business cards or myspace account names. Or maybe it’ll end there and that will be that.