Category Archives: Relationships

Is It Okay for Women to Approach Men

By Sowhatiff “Never Scurred” Jenkins

While women are going around getting all independent and what not, there are still things that remain somewhat traditional…the initial approach.

I know I was once guilty of this attitude: “If he likes me, he will come over here and talk to me (despite my pack of 7 friends, and stank look).” So…yeah…I have learned that that is not necessarily the right attitude to have. Though I touched on this in my Are Black Women That Stank entry, I thought I’d take it a step further.

Women often think that making the “first move” sends certain signals to men. As usual, we are often caught up in over-thinking.

Woman to Self: Omg. If I say something to him, he’s going think I’m flirting.

Self to Woman: Which I am, cuz he is fine.

Woman to Self: He’s going to think I want to have sex with him. I ain’t that type of chic.

Self to Woman: Well, eventually I will give up the draws, but not today…

She has this dialog with herself, and by the time she makes a decision, homeboy has moved on.

But does it have to be like this? Why is it that women feel as though we cannot make a first move? We have been conditioned to think that a man has to take that first step. Well, I posit that this not always the case.

He probably doesn’t think you are a jump.

Unless you want him to. Short of you talking all super sexy as you order your morning coffee, or stroking his chest (or your own) all sensual-like as you converse, you are probably not sending the “let’s take it to the back seat” message. If you are looking to get the jump off jumped off, or not, you are probably hinting at something by a bunch of unconscious signals. Tone of voice. Posture. Distance between you and him. Stuff like that.  Pay attention to the signals.

Your environment matters.

Making the first move in the club is one thing. Drinks are involved. Heavy grinding beats are bumping. Sexy lighting is all around. All of these things factor into the sending and receiving of messages. Speaking to a man at the gym or at some other well lit venue that does not serve dranks, or sell condoms in the men’s room, can impact the way messages are sent, and received.

If he didn’t come up to you first, it doesn’t necessary mean he doesn’t think you’re hot.

This is where learning to chill, and not over think can come in handy. Think about the times where you were not initially super physically attracted to someone, and, minus the snaggle tooth they turned out to be a good catch anyway. He may not have noticed you at the same moment you saw him. Maybe his line up is not on point today. What if his breath is kicking like Kung Fu fighting.  Or he might be shy. ::Gasp:: Yes, sometimes guys are shy.  Try not to get lost in doubting yourself before you know what’s what.

Men like to feel desired too.

The same way we like to be complimented on the effort we took to get all fly, men probably like the same treatment to a degree. I don’t mind telling a man that his button up looks good, or that he has a nice smile. Sometimes, you may engage in further conversation and exchange digits, but often times, you don’t and just part ways. No harm, no foul.

Ladies, don’t be scurred.  Sparking a conversation does not make you look ::insert all the negative things you think here::.  Just be who you are.  Whoever that is (jump off or otherwise) is likely to shine through.

What do you all think about women making the first move?

Advertisements

Sometimes We Just Gotta Slide Off

**Calls enormous steroid abusing body guards, straps on bullet proof vest, steps into bullet proof bubble and surveys the surroundings . Okay, I think I’m safe**

Why do men cheat?

Yeah, I know. This is a dangerous topic. I’ve seen it covered on other blogs and it never seems to get old. At the request of a few readers, I’m sacrificing myself to the masses to talk about it. Let’s get into it…

We like buns. The end.

Just kidding. We all know dudes with chicks that can’t help but to sample new goods. I’ve heard people argue that “once a cheater, always a cheater”. I disagree. Ill acknowledge that there are people addicted to sex that really can’t help themselves. I’ll also acknowledge that there are dudes who aren’t really happy in their relationships physically, mentally, and/or emotionally that wander elsewhere in hopes of getting what they deserve or desire. They’re bad at picking women and run into the same problem over and over again. This means they stray over and over again. Thus, it appears that “once a cheater, always a cheater”.

But what about the rest of us? Most of the dudes I know with an affinity for buns know better than to get a girlfriend in the first place. If homie knows he’s a hot commodity, he’ll play the field longer than Cal Ripken unless he gets injured (a la she’s pregnant, he gets clapped in the non-violent way, or some other unforseen circumstance like falling in love however unlikely that may be.). I’d say that as men get older, the reasons for cheating change. Aside from loving love canal, things really may be missing from the relationship. This is a different type of cheating. Here are some examples:

Hobby and Interest Support Deficit

Larry is dating Marissa. Marissa nags him all the time. She always has time to be out and about with her girls, but won’t come to any of Larry’s summer league basketball games. Larry meets Tanya, who happens to love basketball and takes an interest in Larry’s life in general. They play a little one on one. Larry shoots and scores in more ways than one. Larry feels bad, but not too bad and Tanya put in some work that must be rewarded. Larry continues to dunk on Tanya which takes stress out of his relationship with Marissa. He’s been with Marissa for a year and doesn’t know if Tanya is moving to Texas so he doesn’t bother to tell Marissa.

Self-Health and Maintenance Deficit

Marquis is a pretty boy. He consistently has girls approaching him. One chick, Latisha, somehow gets him to commit. He keeps being approached by other chicks. Latisha is happy to show him off, but gets comfortable and puts on 15 lbs. in the wrong places. Chicks that now look like what Latisha used to look like keep approaching him. Latisha continues to expand horizontally. Marquis caves under the pressure and decides to explore another cave.

Attention and Physical Appearance Deficit

Johnny lives in Knoxville. Debbie lives in Dallas. Debbie appears to be preoccupied with other things and makes herself scarcely available and refuses to travel. Johnny gets tired of cranking them out solo. He gets some assistance from Ally who liked his swag. Johnny is now relieved and able to tolerate his situation with Debbie. Debbie turns out to be a skeeze and appears on porntube.com without his her permission. Johnny is not as embarrassed since he had already enlisted the services of someone equally as talented.

Now there are other reasons and scenarios that lead men to different water theme parks. The most typical answer to all of this is “Just stop dealing with the significant other. Gosh.” Sometimes it’s really not that simple for men. Call it cowardice, and we’ll call it convenient or necessary. But yeah, it’s not always that we can’t help ourselves because we’re men. There are other factors. What do yall think?

Interpreting the Shady Since 1983,

Size of the Boat, Motion in the Ocean, Or Neither?

By Sowhatiff Jenkins

Don’t get all coy on me.  I don’t know how conversations about sex goes down between dudes, if at all.  Pause. But I can assure you that this question almost always comes up between women in one form or another.  There is some almost automatic curiosity that surfaces when one finds out that her homegirl has got down with the get down with a new man.  Or even with established relationships, we just “need” to know how ol’ dude is betwixt the sheets.  This then leads to questions about whether a good lay is determined more so by the actions and/or size of the boat, or does it have more to do with a woman’s connection to the captain of the ship.

In this age of the “progressive” woman, it would not be surprising to come across a woman that holds firm to the idea that sex is purely physical for her.  Somehow she has found the formula that women have been looking for years, that allows her to keep pumps from getting all mixed up in emotions.

While I believe that this can be done, I wonder how long this can last.  For example, a woman and man have developed a working “thronxing” relationship.  They call each other up when there’s an itch to be scratched, handle business, and chuck the deuces.  For the man in this situation, it is expected that he can keep it at sex.  For the woman though, can she maintain this detachment for the duration of the sexual relationship?  Or does she develop feelings for him at some point?  Or if not him, does she search for an emotional connection else where?

When talking about this with my homies, it is the general consensus that woman enjoy sex more when they are emotionally bonded the to man.  This is not to say that pumps sans love and all that can’t be head board breaking fulfilling.  But can it be totally fulfilling?  Do women, in the backs of their minds, say “Damn, that was good, but something was missing?”

Of course this is a very individual thing, but there is a lot of good anecdotal evidence to support the idea that women, while they can talk the talk, can’t walk that same sex-is-just-as-good-without-emotions-walk as men.

Or do men walk this walk all the time?  Is it just that you can get your rocks off nice and good when you don’t really care about a broad woman, but enjoy sex even more with your boo-boo?  Let’s hear it.

So, Its Not Just Me.

After having conversations with a few men, and reading some of your good comments, I was able to gather some information. While some of this stuff will seem as though it should have been obvious, or you feel like “I knew that already,” its sometime nice to hear (read) things twice.

Apparently, spring and fall are the best time to find dudes.

I thought this was a little out there when I heard it, but it’s interesting nonetheless.  Spring is after winter right?  And just like the new flowers ready to bloom, guys are ready to get back into action, and are ready to mingle.  As for the fall, after a long summer, they are ready to settle down. They have boinked hooked up with all those fast chics nice women from the summer, and are ready to find someone to keep warm during those brisk walks in the park, or to to snuggle with under the sheets around the fireplace.

Fish in the right pond.

I think this is one area where men may have one up on women.  Dudes know what type of women will be at certain types of spots.  When they want a jump off, they go to the clubs.  If they want a stank sophisticated lady, they may frequent wine tastings or art exhibits and such.  Depending on what you are looking for should play a role in where you are looking. Think of the type of guy you are (or think you are) interested in, and what he might like.  Don’t go looking for Mr. Right at the dingy hole-in-the-wall spot.  Chances are, Mr. Here Tonight Gone Tomorrow will be there instead.

Pay attention to the age factor.

If you get a flyer for a gathering that looks all nice and sounds good, but says in very fine print “18 to enter, 21 to drink,” or its at a venue known the attract young people, you may have a bit of a problem.  There are some types of events that young dudes won’t frequent.  Lounges, or after work spots, are not likely to have that 20 year old boy “man” trying to spit game.  Try to avoid spots that have a large age range.  Chances are, women will get the short (and young) end of the stick.

Keep your eyes open.

You probably interact with decent men on a regular basis.  You have probably exchanged glances before, but are too busy being stank to notice.  Maybe he doesn’t want to get at you like that.  But a nice conversation with that handsome guy you see everyday won’t kill you.

Apparently sports bars are what’s up.

I must say, I do enjoy a good beer and football game when my schedule allows.  I have received some cool points from the fellas for this.  So ladies, just try it.  We want him to watch “chic flicks” or Grey’s with us, so sit through a Giants game every once in a while.  Yes. I said Giants.

Stop rolling 31 deep.

This has been something that has begun to annoy me as of late.  I love my girls, but I am not longer super interested in rolling mad deep (pause) to places, unless its one of those famed “girls night out.”  But really, girls night out doesn’t have to be an occasion every time we go out.  Scale back.

Anything else we are missing?

Keeping it Three Ways up in this piece,

Sowhatiff? “I Drink Beer and Eat Wings Whilst I Watch Football” Jenkins

Um…You Are Not My Friend. Sorry Buddy.

By Slim Jackson

I was reading a lot of the comments from the last couple blog posts, and then it got me thinking. I don’t have very many good friends, but I have a helluva lot of acquaintances. Of all the people I’ve met over the last 10 years, there’s seriously like 11 people that I would consider good friends. 5-6 of em are pretty much considered family minus the blood ties. I’ve learned over time that a lot of relationships and bonds form out of convenience. It could be cuz you went to the same high school, played on the same sports team, went to the same college, lived in the same dorm, were in the same major, OR wanted to join the same fraternity or sorority. Some of these relationships people have more of a choice over than others. Not to say that people want to be enemies, but realistically a lot of our relationships outside of family members are formed due to convenience and how someone can benefit us as an individual. I’ve re-categorized a lot of people from good friends, to friends, to acquaintances, to I would cross the street if I saw you getting jumped. I really just call em how I see em.

So Slim. Looks like your about to ruffle feathers with your nose in the air attitude…

No no no. I’m not saying that I treat all the people differently based on categories. I value friendships regardless of the level. If you’re an acquaintance, I’m still all about kickin it. You’re still my boy or my homegirl. However, there is something about our interaction that smells more fishy than…

Okay, so maybe not fishy, but I’d venture to say we have completely different interests and when we touch base usually it’s because one of us wants something. Let’s just be real on this one.lol. Nonetheless, we are still cool and I’d help you if you really needed me. Friends and good friends play some type of role in my life daily or weekly. It could be subtle, or it could be you sitting on the phone letting me tell you how I wanted to punch someone in the face for acting silly. What you do for me, I will do for you…plus a little more.

You haven’t mentioned Best Friends Slim? Do you not have one? Is not anyone good enough to be your Best Friend?

I wouldn’t wanna ruin my relationships with good friends, friends, and acquaintances by going into what constitutes a best friend. That, my readers, is where you come in. I wanna know what makes a good friend or best friend in your mind? Do you categorize people? How do you distinguish between the real and the phony? Let the floor be open for discussion…

Your Friend,

So…What Are We?

By Slim Jackson

“Umm, we need to talk.”

I’d say most men hate hearing this. It’s the moment of truth comment when we been kickin it with a chick without discussing the status of our relationship. She’s had enough of the late night talks and lovin sessions with no clear relationship title in sight. A lot of us can be involved with a woman, be affectionate, and really not consider it a monogamous relationship. Some of us can be in the “talking” phase for months…or years if women let us. But at what point does talking become a committed relationship? In my opinion, it isn’t a relationship until both of us agree that we either wanna have our cake, or eat it (As usual, get your mind out of the gutter.).

Men have a stealthy way of avoiding this conversation. Sometimes we can sense it approaching. Shorty will start using affectionate names, or introduce us to people high on the significance hierarchy. They may ask us to attend events or engage in activities that are typical of people in a relationship. She may even say “baby, just put it in” with no latex on that thang after using the proper protective measures on a regular basis. Women use a lot of trickery at times to lure a dude into a relationship or see exactly where his head is (ta he he). Some of us recognize it and dodge the faithful bullet, others fall victim and wonder how they ended up with that ankle bracelet wrapped ever so tightly on one leg, while the ball and chain drag along on the other.

It’s a blurry line. For those women that assume optimistically that dude wants to be there for the long hall, it seems obvious. For dudes that dodge the talk, it seems obvious…that “we just talkin and kickin it”. Some women accept the situation for what it is, and if it doesn’t pop off after a certain amount of time they move on. I guess in terms of when talking becomes a relationship, there really are three ways to take it. What do yall think?

Avoiding Relationship Talk Since 1983,

That’s Cool, but How Many People Have You Really Slept With?

A Seattle Washington & Sowhatiff Jenkins Episode

The Plaintiff – Seattle Washington

People of the internet, visitors of the blog.  I’m here today to bring to your attention some questionable practices from a company we interact with all the time.  Everyday they’re decreasing numbers, intimidating witnesses and falsifying evidence all to keep their syndicate running perfectly. Who am I talking about? Women.  They’re more devious than Enron, your local bookie and Dick Cheney combined.  Low or high, men seem to always have a clear count of who’ve they slept with (not counting those b*tch ass dudes who inflate).  Some dudes even have a resume complete with references, just in case you want to check their qualifications.  We take pride in our work.  But when you ask a woman how many people (not just dudes, we’re in a new era now) she’s slept with, things get fuzzier than Cleopatra Jones’s afro in high humidity.

Why is that?  Hmm…  Well, we here at Three Ways have heard all types of crazy ass excuses reasons why that may be.  Exhibit A – I was vulnerable.  I don’t really remember it.  I was sleeping.  It was just the tip.  He was whack so it doesn’t count, etc. etc.  So, I’ll ask you a question ladies.  If I walk into the movies, through the doors, sit down with my popcorn, watch the opening credits and 1/2 way through the movie realize it’s whack – wasn’t I still in that movie theater?  I can’t just erase that joint from my memory, I’ve got the condom wrapper ripped up ticket in my pocket to remind me.

I appeal to the courts better judgment and say that this inaccurate counting needs to stop now.  If you want us to be honest with you, you’ve got to keep it real yourselves.  I know there are some chicks all men would love to forget about – shudder but hey, it happened so we have to own up to it.  If we could use Hennessey as a reason to disregard certain dubious females, our numbers would surely plummet.  But we can’t.  And we probably wouldn’t.  Because it’s been ingrained in us since kindergarten that 1+1 = 2.  So if I kiss shorty by the swings, that’s 1, and her friend will surely make 2.

Thank you.

Seattle – I Watched A Lot of Law & Order With My Grandma – Washington

 

The Defendant – Sowhatiff? Jenkins

As Counselor “He still watches TV with Grandma, how cute” Washington shrewdly notes, it is true: Women do in fact alter our numbers depending on the audience we are catering to.  And while this may seem “devious,” I ask that you consider the position that men, and society at large has put us in, thus leading us to this type of behavior. I’m not ducking reality here, but I ask that you reflect on the circumstances thereof.

Let’s start with language.  Words like “loose,” “ho(e)”, “skeez”, “bus down”, and “scallywag”, are a few ways to refer to a woman with a “high” number of sexual partners.  I put “high” in quotes because this determination varies depending on who you talk to.  The point:  women get judged for having more than x number of partners during y amount of years.  We are supposed to keep it right and tight.  A certain number of sex partners tends to lead people to believe a woman has low morals and/or standards, when reality probably indicates just the opposite.  For men, another notch on the ol’ belt is note worthy and elicits praise and ego stroking (pause). Women though, aren’t praised.  We are held to self imposed standards that are informed by societal (and man driven) expectations.

Men, don’t act like this behavior is merely a product of our innate female tendencies.  I have had many conversations with men who prefer a woman with “low numbers.”  Yep, that is correct.  Low numbers.  A perpetuation of the very falsities they wish to avoid.   In a situation when a woman knows of this value, she may fib, and drop her number a little when the question comes up.  Who is hurt by this?  Not the man for sure, because he’s happy because his girl is ::insert whatever value men place on this here::.  I would argue, that woman suffers a little here, because she feels like she has to deny parts of her true self to gain acceptance.  Perception is reality folks.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I ask that you try this test.  Think about the word “ho(e)”.  Does it mean “a woman having lots of “meaningless” sex with a “high” number of men”? If you answered, yes, you have proven my point.

In closing I will say this: yes we fib about our numbers sometimes.  But who’s fault is this?  Arguably, not ours.  As such, I propose a solution: don’t ask, don’t tell.  Everybody wins.

Good day.

Sowhatiff? “Why do you want to know my numbers anyway” Jenkins

 

 

And at this point, we shall let you deliberate…  Let us know, what’s the verdict people?