The Not So Excellent Adventures of Seattle and Slim

Just when we thought racial profiling was limited to Black guys in White neighborhoods at obscure hours of the night and names on job applications, we realized how wrong we were. Forget trying to buy a house. How about trying to find an apartment? You’d think that would be a simple process. Show proof you got a job, have good credit, a good personality, and good references. That should make it easier right? Nope. We’re still Doo-Rag All-Stars.

Y’know Slim, Mos Def’s song Mr. Nigga pretty much rings true right now. I’m going to turn that up while we write.

For more than a week, Seattle and myself have been looking for an apartment. It’s nice to walk around in boxers and a beater in the 1 bedrooom bachelor pad, but we both realized there was a lot of money to be saved (Note: We did not walk around in boxers in the same apartment. We each had our own place. That, ladies and gentlemen, is a pause.) It’s also easier to build our blogging empire if we live in the same place. Again, we do it for the people.

Pause again for the full effect. I said it once and I’ll say it again. I don’t like this guy. I live with him for financial reasons. Period. I don’t want to hear anything about, “Aww that’s cute.” Efff all that. Sacrifices needed to be made for my bank account. Yeah I liked standing in front of my AC with just boxers on sipping on a glass of the finest bougie juice that Whole Foods offers on a hot summer day, but hey, sometimes you can’t have everything. The sexcapades will now be relegated to my room, but… my bad Slim, I digress.

We looked at roughly 15 apartments. Some were too pricey. Some were terrifically priced, but too far away from public transit. Some were bombdiggity, but located above Thai or pizza spots. Can we say roaches, rats, other bugs, and cats? Definitely ain’t tryna call the Orkin Man.

A Russian pizza spot too. Y’all know how I feel about that ish. Plus, the whole spot reeked of chicken pad thai and mystery meat calzones. Hey, don’t forget about the spot that had the “patio”. Y’know the one that was pretty much just an extended step, attached to the backdoor (über pause) that was just two feet off the ground. In other words, easy access for would be hooligans to hop up in our crib and steal what little expensive items we have. Now that I think about it, that was the same spot that had broken glass all on the street. I’m no CSI agent, but where I’m from that means someone either had their iPod on the driver’s seat or a young lady was filled with seed, of any variety, and in turn felt scorned. All it needed were a few broken vials and a condom wrapper to complete the décor.

Anyways, we saw 3 apartments that we really liked. In Boston, it’s easier to work with an apartment broker than conduct an independent campaign for tenancy. First spot we saw with the broker was ideal. Good location, manageable price, and a triple jump away from the subway. We bumped into the landlord on the way out. We made a verbal offer on the unit through the agent. The landlord needed to think about it…for a week. We knew what the deal was. Though we were clean and fresh dressed, he probably figured my beard was too scruffy and I had just lost my job. He may have even thought we were too good for the spot…Riiight. He saw 2 black dudes with 40s, hoez, gold chains, reefer and delinquent payments.

If he were Caucasian, I probably wouldn’t have been surprised. I mean hey, it’s Boston. I know the deal. But dude was Indian. There was no minority alliance here. It didn’t matter that we hit him with our brilliant eloquence and Crest Whitestrip smiles. I could’ve had my Bachelors Degree hanging from my neck and he just would’ve thought I was Flavor Flav. Dude was caught up in the melanin factor. Well the fact that we had more than him. We might as well have been rocking tims, wife beaters and baggy jeans with knots in them.

Our friends tried to be nice and make us feel better, “Well, maybe he wanted to get a better offer?”

Of course we’re angry and assholes, so Slim said…

If you’re a landlord and your apartment doesn’t rent for 2 months and you have good people ready to write a check, what the f*ck are you delaying for?

Oh…

Yeah. Thought so.

Plus we have good credit! I know, I know. I was as surprised as you are.

We eventually found another spot with everything at an even better price. We submitted applications and a deposit. Unfortunately, we met the landlord and his wife while viewing the apartment. 24 hours went by and he “needed more time to review our application” according to the broker. Come to find out he had rejected our applications because we were “fresh out of school”. Fresh out of school? Mofo, I been working for over three years and I speak better English than you do. Seattle’s equally (ahem, if not more) articulate and has worked just as long as I have. Eff you. Eff your wife (twice). Eff your little pet cat that drinks out the toilet. I will sell that sh*t to the General himself.

Wow. Ok Slim. Well, the fresh out of school reason didn’t work for me.  Besides the fact that we’ve both been out of school for a little while now, didn’t the landlord’s wife hesitate to shake your hand?  Yeah…  Also, I probably should’ve told you earlier but I saw the landlord’s face as he was walking out of the apartment. He looked highly surprised and then immediately upset once he saw us. His eyes widened and then quickly tightened up like a, well; you see where I’m going with this. Nonetheless dude, it was for the better. Carrying that monstrosity that you call a couch up those stairs would’ve killed you and I. They would’ve ended up with chalk lines in their apartment without all the accompanying bullet holes. Oh, don’t forget to tell them how the real estate company attempted to steal your money. Yeah, check fraud is not just a Nigerian scam anymore.

Right, Yeah. I almost forgot. When we put the deposit down on the apartment and the people took more than 24 hours to respond, I called the broker and told them to cancel the deal. I left a voicemail and sent an email. I get to work the next day and dude’s boss is on the phone. The conversation went a little something like this:

Slim: Hi, this is Slim.

Boss Broker: Hey Slim. I got a message from my agent that you are bailing out on the deal.

Slim: Yeah, it’s been more than 24 hours and the landlord hasn’t responded to our applications, good credit, and deposit check. We no longer want to live there.

Boss Broker: That’s not how it works buddy. You can’t just break the deal. We ran background checks and everything. Who do you think you are!?!?

Slim: I’m Slim Jackson b*tch. Gimme my money.

Aight, so I didn’t say that. I figured it would be funny though.

Slim: I looked up the laws and spoke to a lawyer about this. The deal isn’t valid until the landlord signs, which he hasn’t.

Boss Broker: You don’t know what the &%% you’re talking about. You are not breaking out of this deal. We’re keeping your deposit as our fee. I’ll see you in small claims court a$$hole.

Slim: Why are you yelling?

Boss Broker: &%% You! *click*

Needless to say, the jr. broker called me apologizing when I threatened legal action via a facsimile. I told him I’d be in that afternoon to pick up my check and that the boss better not be there or he’ll get strangled with my tie.  But yeah, I got the money back and the boss wasn’t there when Angry Black Slim showed up during his lunch break.

After this whole story, some of you might still be thinking that we’ve blown this out of proportion. That we’re just crying racism. That the real reason these landlords were apprehensive to house us is that we’re just two young guys. Well, after all the bull—- that we went through with all those other spots, we found an apartment. In the burbs.  A place where trees grow freely, there aren’t trash cans on every corner and folks ride bikes with their children in tow. Where we say hello to our neighbors in the morning from the porch, while we sip on some bougie brand OJ. Funny thing was, it went amazingly smooth. Y’know why? We never met the landlord face to face. Everything was done over the phone. And with the names, jobs and business phone voices that we have, there was no reason for him to think anything out of the norm. But boy will he be surprised when he comes up to check on the place!

Happily Depreciating the Property Value With Every Breath We Take,

Seattle – I Probably Won’t Let Any Black Folk Move Into My Neighborhood Either – Washington

&

Slim “I’ll Slip Your Wife More Than Mail” Jackson

 

 

Oh yeah, please contact us for an address to send all those lovely housewarming gifts.  L’Chaim! 

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23 responses to “The Not So Excellent Adventures of Seattle and Slim

  1. I’d be interested to know what areas yall looked in. Same shit happened to me trying to get a spot when I was moving to beantown. I flew in for three days with appointments lined up to see places, and a broker at the ready. Granted, most of the spots I just didn’t like, but I finally found a place I could tolerate. Dude was in a rush to get out of the lease, and told me that the last people who came to see the place had horrible credit, so the landlord wasn’t going to rent it to them. I filled out the app, gave him the check, and was all set to do some site seeing before I headed back to DC. Next morning, dude hits me up, and lets me know the landlord decided to go with the people with bad credit over my pristine credited, good job having, ivy league educated black ass. Why? gee, I wonder. The place I finally got was a setup just like yall – no landlord interview, no problem. After that, I just always made sure to rock my college hoodie when I was apt hunting…haven’t had a problem since.

  2. WithRainbowSprinkles

    If anyone has extra time on their hands, read a couple chapters from “American Apartheid” by Douglas Massey and Nancy Denton (two white sociologists)…talks all about racial residential segregation and all the shady things that have been done to keep Blacks from living in better neighborhoods and/or owning their homes, etc. The shadiness stem way back from post Civil War era and persists today…I don’t doubt at all that those ppl denied you housing based on your sexy chocolateness…

    P.S. I love bougie juice! Mango Lemonade baby!

  3. y’all got good jobs? GOOD CREDIT?

    well my friend, the Prince of Nigeria wants to deposit 100 ca-trillion pounds into your bank account.

    just send me ur pertinent information, social security #, and car keys.

    forreal, i got u.

    my email address is getgwap@absurdscams.org

  4. All I can do is cosign. No doubt it’s racism that prevented y’all from getting any of the earlier apartments. Or maybe divine intervention.

    When’s the party?

  5. Hey Guns, I sent my secure information over to that email address you provided. Can’t wait to be rich!!!

    Toy, the party is soon. We’re gonna bubble-wrap the whole apartment and insulate the walls to ensure the boisterous rap music doesn’t travel too far.

  6. Senor RightCoastLexSteele bka God's Gift to Humanity

    Apartment hunting in the Georgia of the North without a white man or woman in tow? Well this obviously all your fault. Maybe in YOUR mind it’s 2008, damn near 40 years after the brunt of the civil rights struggle, but in reality it’s really like 1916…we got a war going on and any negro that can string a sentence together might get strung up. Living in upstate NY and having being called colored by a nice white lady during an insurance sales call, I know better. So while house hunting last year, instead of rolling dolo, I took my middle aged aggressive white female boss and the pushy approaching the hill Chief Engineer at the telly I used to work at. Until the realtor decided to ask what was what, she just thought I was muscle…didnt say a word to me until she found I was the one writing the check. But it’s real cool to observe white folks interact…my advice to all my negro friends: Learn to speak white people. Not speak to white people, but speak white people. Yes, it’s a foreign language, and it’s freakin remarkable. Yea…in this day and age of change I probably shouldnt be advocating this type of action, but hell…it’s all about the Game and how you play it. (MOTORHEAD ROCKS!) And of course the loan process went semi-smoothly as it mostly done over the phone and by the time they realized what they had done, I already had pen to paper.

    To my knowledge, the only cats that really rock with us on the minority (in this country) tip is my Latin peoples. (And it’s generational too, cuz everything is all well and good til you start thronxing Jose’s daughter with your pumpington) Dont get it twisted, Jews dont like us, Asians dont like us, Italians dont like us (re: Eddie Murphy “Raw”), and sad to say even some Africans dont like us. It’s just something about being a Black American that leaves a sour taste in people’s mouths. (SO many places I can go with that.)

  7. This is another reason for me to say that NY is better than beantown. That is all.

  8. Senor RightCoastLexSteele bka God's Gift to Humanity

    God Bless the New York Yankees, the New York Bretts, and the New York Football Giants.

  9. Seattle Washington

    I second that. NYC is all about the green. Not the hand who’s holding it. They may not touch your hand when you give them the money, but they’ll surely take your money.

  10. HELLS yea New York is better than stupid a&$ Boston. Racism is alive and well. And learning to speak White people is ESSENTIAL to life…I do it everyday and they’re so confused cuz they’re never expecting it. It makes me happy. That’s why I wear door knockers and “street brands” like Akademics and wear Jordans….and then start talking about how our professor is “a total and complete TOOL!”

    😉

  11. That’s odd, Indian’s are usually all about the green as well…

    Maybe that beard you’re sporting, Seattle, led him to believe you’re a Muslim? It was probably an issue of assumed religious tension, def not your skin color; I’m sure his daughter will come home with a Six Foot Sexy Seattle of her own real soon…

  12. Seattle Washington

    Y’know I’ve heard the same about Indian folks Southern Belle. That’s why I was so taken back. Perhaps it was my beard that made him think I was part of a terrorist cell or an up and coming rapper associated with Freeway and Beanie Sigel. Either way, I now know that I need to come clean shaven, rock a college sweater, some khakis, maybe boat shoes and bring my light skinned friends next time I look for an apt.

    And yes, that will be the irony of all irony. A little Mississippi Masala action.

  13. Senor RightCoastLexSteele bka God's Gift to Humanity

    Uh…from what I understand Slim is light skin and that didnt really work for you now did it? I’m telling you…a 30ish white person. Works like a charm. Or an Asian.

  14. Seattle Washington

    Wait, has anyone been able to close a business deal without a White, or Asian, person accompanying them?

  15. Yes… How you ask? They’re called breasts. Sorry gentleman, you’ll have to stick with Whitey or and Asian I was gonna say side kick, but that might come off as punny and racist buddy.

  16. Good Point. Breastisis have amazing abilities and privileges. So does nice hair with a decent face. Flip that from side to side a few times and you can produce miracles.

  17. I agree with the breasts goodness and all that it brings, but eff all that hair flippage nonsense. Rock a short ‘do’ and watch the world stop. I could prolly buy a house wit bad credit and a 40 in my hand at the sale. And you could, too, provided you don’t have big ears, a big head, and dramatically large facial features can fittingly rock a short-cut.

  18. Rock a short do and you’ll look increasingly angry and hostile and watch your dreams of a house crumble. You’ll be drinking a 40 because the deal flopped and your boss fired you for being too much of a threat.

  19. Seattle, i keep a white friend around in time of need for business deals. ( that sounded reckless but it is true.)

  20. Senor RightCoastLexSteele bka God's Gift to Humanity

    Well they’d have to be village feeders because bee stings dont make the world go round…

    Did I say that out loud?

  21. Seattle Washington

    Ainz – reckless, but I understand what you’re saying. Per Mr. Chappelle’s advice, I also keep one friend to talk to the cops. Or immigration. Depending on who I’m chillin with.

    Senor! – yes. yes, you did. I appreciate it. Although a bee sting can’t feed a village, it can affect one man at a time. And I’m not one to share. Bring on the skinny women!

  22. Sounds like everyone else in this blog knows the deal. Boston is the most racist town in America. Even my step pops warned me to never root for the Celtics due to the racism. I started to see it with the way they treated certain African Americans, but when I started visiting Slim and the boys I saw it first hand. You can’t leave a black neighborhood without getting verbally questioned!

  23. Senor RightCoastLexSteele bka God's Gift to Humanity

    Am I the only one enjoying the beatdown the Sox are taking right now?

    God Bless the Great State of New York and no one else.

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