Maybe It’s Just Me, But I Need To Know

By Sowhatiff Jenkins

Where the hell are the cool, good, sociable, (black) men?

Contrary to popular belief, the independent women I spoke of in an earlier entry are probably not looking to get married tomorrow, so no worries; this isn’t the immediate thought behind the question. Like you, we are often just looking for some good company, good conversation, and other good stuff (use your imagination).

When I ask my male friends this question, they all say the same thing: “There are plenty of good guys out there.”

So where the hell is “out there”? Like, where do yall chill? When I go out for a night on the town with my friends, unless we are at a fraternity sponsored event, there is often a lack of male presence. What do you guys do on Saturday nights? What about just for fun on any given day? Put me on. It would be nice to see some of you out for a social night in ::insert your city here::. Heaven knows those dudes in jerseys and oversized white tees are just not cutting it.

I’m going venture a few answers to my own question:

Men just don’t exist in the same numbers that we do.

It looks like women out number men across the board. I think it has something to with chromosomes and odds, or something like that.

Men roll in packs of 2 at time.

Women seem to go out in groups of 3 or better. Maybe we don’t see you out because our view is blocked by the large group of c*ckblocking friends we roll with.

Guys do different stuff.

Women go out for dinner together. We get our hair and nails done together. We shop together. And whilst out, we see other groups of women doing the same thing. But you don’t (usually) see groups of guys frolicking through the mall carrying large shopping bags, or going to the barber shop in groups to get that fresh line up. Maybe you all stay at home watching SportsCenter on your enormous plasma TVs. Or playing Xbox. So there goes that option.

Since women don’t usually take to sports that well…

If the cool men are at sports bars/lounges, we probably won’t run into each other there.

Okay, so I’m all out. I just want to know where guys hang out…pause. Ladies, are we missing something? Fellas, what’s the story?

**Sowhatiff Note: Stay tuned for the follow up to this entry. Until then, what say you?**

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29 responses to “Maybe It’s Just Me, But I Need To Know


  1. We go out to bars, clubs, concerts, fraternity/sorority events, house parties, networking events/mixers, and all of the places you probably go. But as you said, your defensive lineman peter blocking friends, and the larger number traveling in your pack inhibit us from expending the energy to make ourselves visible. There are a lot of good dudes out there. The issue is once we realize we’re a good dude, we either become very aggressive or totally nonchalant (if something happens…it happens). Us good fellas can also be very busy being successful. Whether that’s being in the office, or at the crib working on a blog or website business.

    Remember though, that good guys can be introverts as well as extroverts. Finding the extrovert good guy won’t be as difficult, but don’t complain when you see him getting a lot of attention or you end up standing in line behind 5-10 other women lookin salty. The introverted fellow may be chilling with a drink at the bar looking calm and chill. He could be the man you’ve been searching for, but if you get caught out there with the googly eyes searching for the obvious celeb, you’ll probably miss him. There’s only as many “good guys” out there as you’re willing to see.

  2. Seattle Washington

    I co-sign on what Slim said, but I also have to say – if you want to go fishing, you don’t go to the fountain in the mall to do it.

    As much as I’d love to hit the sports bar and watch the Giants, I know if I want to talk to a woman it ain’t going to be there. Unless I want to fruitlessly hit on the bartender or the waitress. So I go out to lounges and such to meet women.

    Want to snag a man, grasshopper? Make a move to a local bar with your pack of cougars and watch a few games. You know you’ll have the advantage because you’ll be one of the few there at the watering hole.

    Order some beer and wings and you may just get married the next day. Before Monday Night Football that is.

  3. Girl, I wasn’t even through the entire post before I thought to myself, “This girl needs to hit up a sports bar.”

    I have to co-sign with the brothas above. I do not experience a cool guy shortage at all, but it’s only because I L-O-V-E sports and have no problem watching or discussing sports in any group of guys. I wish I could give you some more girl-friendly advice, but I can’t. Lol. My success with wooing the opposite sex comes down to the fact that I look like a girly girl, but I can talk hip-hop and sports with the best of them.

    Wait, maybe I shouldn’t let out my secret. I won’t be so rare if all the girls are up on the winning strategy… Lol

  4. Even if you don’t go to a sports bar and you meet a dude somewhere else, just make it clear that you know/understand/follow sports and you will automatically get valuable points. He’ll tell his boys, they’ll ask him if you have any friends, and then you have a chance to turn your mean girls into happy chicks. A win-win for everybody.

  5. The win-win is crucial especially w/ these hating broadz out there

  6. Vanessa aka Miss V

    I don’t think I’ll be able to survive in a sports bar… I know nothing about sports, and have no interest in learning, to be honest lol. I’m usually the annoying person asking a bunch of questions during the game.

    But one thing I’ve realized… when you’re not looking for dude, thats usually when he pops up. I like unexpected surprises =)

  7. Vanessa aka Miss V

    … or I should say surprises (surprises are inherently unexpected lol).

  8. “I know nothing about sports, and have no interest in learning, to be honest lol.”

    *Because the following statement involves the mention of male private parts, this is a blanket pause statement to avoid any challenges to my sexuality.*

    When you make comments like this, it triggers a condition in men known as “softness”. You may also look up the word flaccid to get a better understanding of the condition I’m talking about.

    I don’t think a woman needs to be an expert in sports to get the points. But if the dude shows or tells you that he is a sports fan, he may appreciate you trying to understand as long as you wait til after the game to ask questions. Stop being lazy.lol.

  9. I think there’s a give and take here. While I do enjoy watching my fair share of sports, I think the same courtesy should be extended to us when we want to watch, dare I say, “mushy” stuff. 15 minutes of Grey’s Anatomy will not kill you, nor will it endanger your manhood. If we’re expected to understand and show a slight interest in “manly” things, I think it’s only fair that men at least be willing to share in our “girly” side sometimes.

  10. Oh almost forgot:

    “As much as I’d love to hit the sports bar and watch the Giants, I know if I want to talk to a woman it ain’t going to be there. Unless I want to fruitlessly hit on the bartender or the waitress. So I go out to lounges and such to meet women.”

    Great…now tell your friends. Thanks.

  11. I guess I’m just not that girly. Lol.

  12. Seattle Washington

    Nyela – I think that’s all well and good once you’ve got the prize. But you’re not going to lure me in with talk of Grey’s Anatomy. I already have the attention span of a

    Huh? Oh yeah, Slim we riding out to the lounge. Since, we’re run in packs of two – done and done. Matter of fact, Peyso come out too. Need the numbers on our side.

  13. Hahahaha! Seattle, thanks for spreading the word so quickly.

    You’re right, though. My fault for not clarifying: In my mind, the Grey’s Anatomy expectation is for after he’s been got.lol. But yea…I watch Monday Night Raw and football on Sunday’s every now and then, so am I good? lol

    @SBG – I used to think I wasn’t that girly either. But with the progression of TV drama, I slowly became more in tune with my girly side. lol

  14. Don’t worry, I’m in there when we ride owt to the lounge. I hate to say it I make a great lead blocker, I’ll clear out a hole by taking on the the pentagon’s defenses (no homo)

  15. Vanessa aka Miss V

    yeah, i’m super girly… i’ve tried to do the whole sports thing but it hasn’t worked yet. i’ll keep u posted on any further developments….

    also, thought you all may find this article interesting:
    http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/03/25/AR2006032500029.html

  16. Even if you was to meet a guy at a sports bar or a lounge and they find out that you like sports that doesn’t really mean much. Some guys tend to take females like me and only see us as friends. I become a sister rather than a “girlfriend” type.

    Now I know that I may not be the girliest girl in town, but I am a girl. To me it seems as though guys just are never satisfied, even when they have a girl that is into sports like them.

    MAYBE I’M MISSING SOMETHING.

  17. “To me it seems as though guys just are never satisfied, even when they have a girl that is into sports like them.”

    I enthusiastically disagree! We’re the simplest creatures to satisfy. Besides, how often do you really hear a dude say “Damn, I just can’t find a good boo.”?

    That hardly ever happens.

    Just for random quoting purposes, many dudes share the same sentiments as rapper Phonte from Little Brother:

    Sometimes I think I’m from another world
    When I’m trynna tell a woman just exactly where I stand that
    I want a girl, when I want a girl
    And when I don’t want a girl, I want a girl who understands that
    And that’s some hard shit to explain
    To a woman that’s in love with you, it’s a pitiful thing

    Food for thought.

  18. I don’t think it’s hard to find guys out, Slim mentioned a lot of there “hiding spots,” but…I don’t know if anyone else has read “He’s Not That Into You”…that book has either helped me out or hurt me. It basically says to women, if the guy wants you he’ll come talk to you, call you, etc. Basically that although it is 2008 and women can approach men, hit on men, etc…that the guy isn’t that interested as if he just came and talked to you. I’ve had guy friends both agree and disagree but I gotta say that this book and also the book “You’re Not That Into Him Either,” make a lot of great points. I guess all in all though every person is different, we all know you can’t generalize an entire group so we’ll all have to be continually confused by the opposite sex. haha.

  19. Sorry I meant to elaborate…

    those books make it so that I just flat out cannot approach a guy that I think is cute because I figure he will talk to me if he is “into me” so the book says…but of course this isn’t always true.

    I’m curious though if the ladies agree that it’s hard to approach a guy and also if the guys agree that yeah if you really want to bad enough you will approach her. Or if it is a turn off if a girl tries to talk to you and is a little too forthcoming??

    I’ve always felt like “hitting” on a guy…whatever that means, could signal to them that you want a one night thing…which is never what I want. Sometimes I’d just like to have a nice conversation with a guy who looks good. But I guess I don’t know how to talk to a random guy at a sport’s bar/club/the gym…anywhere and not make the guy think it’s a fling because you may want to flirt, but flirting may lead to miscommunication.

    So – there is a dilemma I face. I don’t know if anyone else can agree or maybe I just overthink the entire thing.

  20. We are everywhere but you ladies love the fantasy while men dont mind being comfy with the uncomfortable things-or we love the irony in life such as Pursuit of Happyness, when Will had to show up to the interview in paint covered denim…he went in there and killed anyway!!!

    I CANT SEE THE MOST TOM-BOYSHISH OF WOMAN even approaching such a thing. Note men would have did that for a corporate gig or Beyonce but women…..well for that job yea I guess but for a man…IDK

    Men, we see opportunity to prove ourselves everywhere (not that we are always ready to act on it) but women; (as far as finding available men to date) the only place yall seem receptive is bar/lounges/clubs.

    The thruth is life aint so convenient especially as you get older. Now at 32 I work the 2nd shit-home by 1am.

    When home I got movies and videos to edit and film business to run (myspace/eny filmworks if you want to see). And on the weekends I got videos to shoot and films to help out on.

    The truth is theres a man to be found within YOUR current everyday routine (interest and hobbies play a role here). But yall always got a front…”I dont look THAT good in this” or “…chile please I just got off work and I DONT even wanna hear it” …

    Well when do you want to hear that I have watched you exit that building on 7th Ave and 53rd St like a gazzilion times, with them DAMN shoes (and today she’s wearing that business suit!!!! ). After about 2 times I am gonna holla whether you’re ready or not. Yet if I am only supposed to holla at happy hour on Thurs afta 7…yawn or the wkends at the club..zzzzzzzzzzzzz.

    It could be the guy you see in the supermarket ( cant a woman see me shop at least three times and still not see that “he’s single” aint a femmed out product in the cart) or the store manager at Foot Locker any guy you see(that you like) on your routine might be some one to approach or flirt witth but waiting the week out to go to bars and clubs is what 21 yrolds do, not those past 25 and up.

  21. I agree with Slim, we do go many places and its true we don’t travel in large numbers as the females do. I know i try to keep it to three friends when its time to hang out. Reason being you know that is the quota the bouncer will let in to a place sometimes. Why the need of so many friends when you guys go out? There is always that one friend who isn’t getting no love that night that is hand cuffing or ready to leave.

    So ditch the whole entourage sometimes, i love to see a woman out by herself sometimes . Whether it be at sports bar or lounge sometimes just being there by yourself in my eyes shows a certain set of confidence. I don’t ever expect to meet a female who is a big sports fan, they are some out there. Just let me watch the game when its on, then we can watch whatever you want after i can compromise.

  22. Temps i feel you on that, why is it ok for me to say something at happy hour on a Friday. If she see’s me everyday and we probably make eye contact every day on the train, bus or whatever. Now if i was to say something early in the morning or after work am i wrong? The club isn’t happening for me anymore the young bucks can keep that.

  23. RightCoastLexSteele

    Tiff…
    Maybe it’s just you. Ever thought about that?

  24. Seattle Washington

    Bahahahahahaha.

  25. Clearly I think this way because music is my thing; however its not the worst suggestion in the world. Certain type of people all listen to the same type of artist. So if you want to meet a kind, smart guy, show up to that concert while its in town. For the kind of guys you are looking for: I suggest a Common or Little Brother Concert. If you need a more confident flashy version of that same guy: Kanye or Lupe. If you need more Hood but not White Tee past his knees: Joe Buddens or Clipse. Don’t show up to an Indie Arie show or Raheem Davaughn, cause the only people there are going to be girls like you or dudes with their girls!

    But lets say, ladies, you want to try something different. White Tees to the knees, Jim Jones wannabe. The type of guy who doesn’t know what a prelim is and he doesn’t want to find out. You don’t want to marry him; you just want a one night stand with a guy who can actually beat both it and you up. He’s dangerous and after its all said and done, he is going to make it rain on you, for no reason other than the fact that his favorite rapper said that is what BOSSES do. I have the perfect artist for you: His name is Shea Davis and his gun goes blam!

  26. LMAO!

  27. Right on Ainz, as I stated I am chasing my career or do most black think that ends when you graduate college?

    Film is fun but a demanding craft it calls for sacrifices one of em…eee gats!! Is the going to the club or bar regularly.

    The time spent and money wasted could be funded to my passion isnt that what women want a man with a passion? Now if you only reduce talking to a woman at a bar/club then you will NOT know my passion but waiting for your tea while I order a doppio machito right before work…yea I feel this is a good time to holla and share a little about myself and I might just pay for shorties tea:) If she can ditch the bitter beer face look for a brother…and ummm how come I dont see any black women in those bookstores or libraries or now that you done with school yall done with reading real books?

  28. Sowhatiff Jenkins

    RightCoast,

    Thank you for your insight. However I have already addressed that possibility in the title. Thanks though. 😛

  29. RightCoastLexSteele

    This is the response I waited all day for? You are getting soft in your old age.

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