Guys put up with a lot of stuff just to get in the sack. The myth is that we’re dogs, we’ll deal with anything and sleep with everything at any moment. Wrong. Every man has his breaking point and here are eight reasons we’ve heard will instantly stop that jackhammer from going to work. Why eight? Well honestly, there aren’t that many reasons why a guy wouldn’t have sex.
1.) Untamed Regions
We’ve all been there. Moving through the bases, all the while amazed at how carefully manicured everything is from the French tips on the toes to the light scent of lotion on the skin to the freshly done do. That is until everything is taken off and you realize that part of her is stuck in the 70s rocking a fro. The most important part. Some of us will dive into the bush and conquer, while others will pack it up for more civilized regions. It all depends if the man likes a safari or the Great Plains. To each his own.
2.) I Can Feel it in the Air
My man Slim has already stated our opposition to odor, but we felt it was important to bring it up again. As he once said to me, “if un-doing her belt immediately releases a neurotoxin into the air, it’s a wrap”. I concur. And many men do as well. Mind you after some time, you can do the nasty while you are truly, nasty. But first impressions are a different animal and while some will grab the Oust and keep it moving, others won’t linger.
3.) Excessive Drunkenness
It’s OK to have some sippy to get that liquid courage and loosen up your inhibitions, but there comes a point when it’s just too much. There’s a fine line between buzzed and sloppy drunk. Moral men, like us, would much rather pass at this point, while the chronically desperate would be willing to risk catching a charge.
4.) Instant Cling
While not as immediately evident as the other symptoms we listed, this symptom rears its ugly head soon enough. Now I’m not talking about women who care, do little special things and likes to hold up a good conversation. I’m referring to the chick who all of a sudden has her toothbrush, dog, half a drawer worth of clothes and mail forwarded to your apartment after 1 week of o.k. crushing. Some men may be into playing house, but others will let you have the apartment and move out.
5.) Diarrhea of the Mouth
Less is more. A good conversation can increase your sex appeal. An excessive one with you talking about your entire relationship history and what you are looking for in a man will surely lessen the chances that we will jump in the sack. We can talk about all that other stuff on AIM or via text message the next day, so you can’t see our facial expressions when we are becoming increasingly turned off.
We know your farts don’t smell like roses and when you use the bathroom it isn’t always to put make up on. But some things we still think belong only to us, grime being one of them. Cheating is one thing. It’s wrong mind you. But grime is another level. Creeping with the skill of a ninja, utter disregard for your dude and allusions that you’ve done this plenty of times before. I don’t want to hear that on the cab ride home (please see diarrhea of the mouth). I’ll find out how indecent you are tonight. And once more tomorrow morning.
7.) Crazy Ex
If you have to silence your cell phone for the night because it won’t stop blowing up and you are afraid to answer it. There’s probably a crazy Ex/current crazy BF lurking outside. Telling us about the crazy ex beforehand as a precautionary measure could be just as damaging to your chances, because we will then expect that you’re even crazier than he is. We don’t want to wake up in the morning staring down the barrel of a loaded firearm or dodging knife swipes.
8.) Your Friend
Sometimes the star can do everything they need to do to win the game, but the rest of the team just doesn’t step up to help. OK. For those who don’t get that sports metaphor, I’ll say it bluntly – your homegirl, yeah you know which one, you can thank her for your drought. The miserable/disrespectful/sexually frustrated friend can range from gorgeous to butt ugly, because in this case it’s really what’s on the inside that counts. And that she won’t keep it in. She has a burning desire to make everyone as miserable as her, including innocent bystanders like us. Most men will only take so much. For some, pride overrides the penis. So keep your team in order if you want to take home the gold consistently.
That’s it for now people. As we said, we couldn’t think of any reasons beyond those eight, so if you have some deal breakers we haven’t covered, send them over. We’ll sign off by saying we’re not perfect, but we do our best to come correct (no pun). We just ask you do the same.
Two Articulate Young Brothers,
Slim and Seattle