8 Ways to Make a Guy Not Want to Sleep with You

Guys put up with a lot of stuff just to get in the sack. The myth is that we’re dogs, we’ll deal with anything and sleep with everything at any moment. Wrong. Every man has his breaking point and here are eight reasons we’ve heard will instantly stop that jackhammer from going to work. Why eight? Well honestly, there aren’t that many reasons why a guy wouldn’t have sex.

1.) Untamed Regions

We’ve all been there. Moving through the bases, all the while amazed at how carefully manicured everything is from the French tips on the toes to the light scent of lotion on the skin to the freshly done do. That is until everything is taken off and you realize that part of her is stuck in the 70s rocking a fro. The most important part. Some of us will dive into the bush and conquer, while others will pack it up for more civilized regions. It all depends if the man likes a safari or the Great Plains. To each his own.

 

2.) I Can Feel it in the Air

My man Slim has already stated our opposition to odor, but we felt it was important to bring it up again. As he once said to me, “if un-doing her belt immediately releases a neurotoxin into the air, it’s a wrap”. I concur. And many men do as well. Mind you after some time, you can do the nasty while you are truly, nasty. But first impressions are a different animal and while some will grab the Oust and keep it moving, others won’t linger.

 

3.) Excessive Drunkenness

It’s OK to have some sippy to get that liquid courage and loosen up your inhibitions, but there comes a point when it’s just too much. There’s a fine line between buzzed and sloppy drunk. Moral men, like us, would much rather pass at this point, while the chronically desperate would be willing to risk catching a charge.

 

4.) Instant Cling

While not as immediately evident as the other symptoms we listed, this symptom rears its ugly head soon enough. Now I’m not talking about women who care, do little special things and likes to hold up a good conversation. I’m referring to the chick who all of a sudden has her toothbrush, dog, half a drawer worth of clothes and mail forwarded to your apartment after 1 week of o.k. crushing. Some men may be into playing house, but others will let you have the apartment and move out.

 

5.) Diarrhea of the Mouth

Less is more. A good conversation can increase your sex appeal. An excessive one with you talking about your entire relationship history and what you are looking for in a man will surely lessen the chances that we will jump in the sack. We can talk about all that other stuff on AIM or via text message the next day, so you can’t see our facial expressions when we are becoming increasingly turned off.

 

6.) Grime

We know your farts don’t smell like roses and when you use the bathroom it isn’t always to put make up on. But some things we still think belong only to us, grime being one of them. Cheating is one thing. It’s wrong mind you. But grime is another level. Creeping with the skill of a ninja, utter disregard for your dude and allusions that you’ve done this plenty of times before. I don’t want to hear that on the cab ride home (please see diarrhea of the mouth). I’ll find out how indecent you are tonight. And once more tomorrow morning.

 

7.) Crazy Ex

If you have to silence your cell phone for the night because it won’t stop blowing up and you are afraid to answer it. There’s probably a crazy Ex/current crazy BF lurking outside. Telling us about the crazy ex beforehand as a precautionary measure could be just as damaging to your chances, because we will then expect that you’re even crazier than he is. We don’t want to wake up in the morning staring down the barrel of a loaded firearm or dodging knife swipes.

 

8.) Your Friend

Sometimes the star can do everything they need to do to win the game, but the rest of the team just doesn’t step up to help. OK. For those who don’t get that sports metaphor, I’ll say it bluntly – your homegirl, yeah you know which one, you can thank her for your drought. The miserable/disrespectful/sexually frustrated friend can range from gorgeous to butt ugly, because in this case it’s really what’s on the inside that counts. And that she won’t keep it in. She has a burning desire to make everyone as miserable as her, including innocent bystanders like us. Most men will only take so much. For some, pride overrides the penis. So keep your team in order if you want to take home the gold consistently.

 

That’s it for now people. As we said, we couldn’t think of any reasons beyond those eight, so if you have some deal breakers we haven’t covered, send them over. We’ll sign off by saying we’re not perfect, but we do our best to come correct (no pun). We just ask you do the same.

Two Articulate Young Brothers,

Slim and Seattle

Advertisements

16 responses to “8 Ways to Make a Guy Not Want to Sleep with You

  1. Here is one that you forgot and you should put it as # 9: Older Virgins, that is, female virgins over the age of 21. In my experience, guys are either at first intrigued, flabbergasted, or utterly terrified to find that a decent-looking woman could be a completely un-tapped (yes, pun) resource. The most common reaction I receive is their eyes bulge from sockets and their voice boxes crack, “GET OUTTA HERE!!!! NAWWW For REAL???!!!! NO, BUT FOR REAL THOUGH????!!!!! But you’re 23 and you’re fine! HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE???!!! You lying, shawty (or ma if I’m in NY), you lying!” They either want to “school” me in order to transform me into the sex fiend that I should have been by the time I was 16 or they slowly edge away like I’m some kind of mythical monster or something. The ones who run away like Ricky being shot at in “Boyz in the Hood” have obviously had one too many traumatic experiences with the ultra-clingy, love-struck girl who after they took her virginity then dipped (yes, dipped) caused her to turn into a psychotic, stalkerish, vengeful, and heart-broken mess of her former self. Some guys stick around for a short while, falsely assuming that since I have held off for so long that I must be extremely close to my breaking point and they want to be there once everything finally explodes. Ha! Then there are the guys who are very intelligent in the ways of women and they have expertise in the art of seduction. They don’t automatically assume that something must be wrong with an older virgin, so they try to woo with a nearly hypnotizing charm and calculated cunningness. They are the ones that are very dangerous to those who don’t know any better. They see a woman like me as an intellectual challenge, a “case study” if you will, to supplement their extensive sexual research on womankind. In their minds, the more variety, the better. Older virgins are an unexplored variety. Even though they throw the best game I’ve ever seen; they don’t realize that I already know the rules from start to finish. I put my research too, you know. The fact of the matter is: No matter the category of guy, they still end up in the same group after dealing with an older virgin like me. Turned Off and Gone. *sigh* what problem to have!

  2. Hmm. This one depends on the dude. If looking for a one night extravaganza, the v-card carrier may not be as desireable as an experienced sheets master. In terms of a serious relationship, your stock value is pretty high. No guy wants to wife the chick that everybody points at and whispers about at her college re-union.

  3. Sasha Two Pistols

    Can I challenge Sowhatiff to give us 8 Ways to make a Woman not sleep with you? That would be interesting to see the differing sides/values placed on sex. And if she can’t come up with some, I’ll think and post later. 🙂

  4. As I saw the post, I thought the same thing….I got you Ms. Two Pistols.

  5. Sasha Two Pistols

    Alright, I will definitely read it, lol!

  6. Your Friend….. this needs to be on the women list too…. I have had and seen many a bitter and/or annoying friend destroy many a ‘situationship’ and relationship, the company you keep speaks volumes….

  7. Sasha Two Pistols

    That is sooooo true

  8. RightCoastLexSteele

    Personally I like a little bush. It gives character. Then again I’m from an island so used to alot of foliage. A nappy choch aint never hurt nobody.

  9. LMAO…i hope its not too nappy….it’ll get stuck in your teeth.

  10. WithRainbowSprinkles

    Nappy Choch!!! Foliage!! HAHAHAHA…this is why I love my island men…besides lacking pubic hair is reminiscent of pre-pubescent children…eww (i mean, it should still be well manicured though)

  11. RightCoastLexSteele

    Sudhster, in the islands we call that “floss”

  12. LMAO at the previous posts.

    First, I found it funny that in the introductory paragraph, you say that men are not all about sex, but your first point is about the “untamed regions” lol thought i’d point that out.

    This list seems to be on point. I def have to second the Clingy Chick item because I find that to be the most common symptom. One day my friend meets a dude, a week later, she says they’re in love… wtf??? Something’s wrong with that picture… I dunno whats up with girls these days, but it’s like they never had a life before meeting a dude! It def gives us “non-clingy” chicks a bad rap…

  13. Vanessa, you fabulous reader you, though we aren’t all about sex, lets just get to the point.lol. That’s why we led off with that. It’s one of the most commonly addressed things by men. A lot of women complain about not getting any “facetime” from their man. How is he supposed to find a quarter in a grass field?

  14. Seattle Washington

    Vanessa,

    Like dude Slim said, we’re not all about it, but it is top of mind. All the time. Except when I’m watching TV. But the point you brought up is a lot more of an issue.

    While some unmanicured areas can quickly be fixed, a clingy young lady is a lot harder to get rid of. I’d take a ride in the safari over a monkey on my back.

  15. RightCoastLexSteele

    Still feeling the nappy playground. Brings out the wild side.

  16. This on point Slim and Seattle..

    clingy women are the worst!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s