Stop Fighting Her For His Affection

After reading Slim’s post on the male-female friendship, and noticing the flurry of comments, I thought it only appropriate to add my thoughts to the mix. As a woman, I totally understand the trepidation most women feel when they learn about their main boo’s close female friend(s). Women, as passive aggressive creatures, are quite territorial, and tend to think the worst about other women as it relates to our men.

I am a woman with very good male friends. I go to bars with them, watch SportsCenter with them, gripe about my life to them, ask them for advice about men, offer advice about women, share stories, and all that. While there are obvious differences in the the dynamic of the friendship by virtue of the differences between men and women, my male friends are just that…my male friends. To say that I have never had any naughty thoughts about my some of male friends though, or that I haven’t imagined what that type of relationship would be like, would be a bold faced lie. Let’s not kid ourselves here. There are few anomalies in this sense.

As heterosexual beings with enough compatibility to sustain a substantive friendship, it can be assumed that these thoughts will cross his and her mind, at some point. However, from the female friend’s side (if she is really a friend, and not a woman with a motive…please know that there are posers out there) lines are usually drawn, especially when there is special woman in her friend’s life. From the special woman’s perspective (e.g. girlfriend, wifey, etc.), the female friend is almost automatically perceived as a threat. Why is this? As I mentioned earlier, women are territorial, and can get really stank when it comes to her boo.

I agree with some parts of the comments made. If a male-female friendship hasn’t already gotten hot and heavy, the thought has been probably there…and it probably has passed. The prior existence of these thoughts does not mean that the female friend is a skeez though. Nor does it make the man any more or less likely to dip out on his lady, or fantasize about doing so.

The female friend, again if she is really a friend, should want to be friends with you and your boo. As a friend to him, and as a woman, she wants to be cool with you and not create any undue tension. If you’re a good woman to her friend, she is likely to be in your corner. Its usually not until you start acting crazy in the relationship, or stank towards her will she become the same type of woman you are capable of being. And if you don’t know your man’s female friends, you should be asking some questions of yourself, and of him.

Please note: not every woman or man can handle these types of friendships. Here are some examples:

The habitually cheating man or woman

These two always have some ” reason” to step out on their boos or step into bed with someone else’s.

The smile in your face whilst trying to take your place chic or dude.

This is the person that you always knew had questionable motives, but couldn’t quite catch them with their pants down. He or she is extra friendly, yet drips grease as he or she walks.

The person who is not really happy in their relationship

This man or woman will be seeking comfort and fulfillment from somewhere or someone. This is the perfect in to get it in for the male or female friend. Fix things on the home front to avoid this one. Be attentive and all that.

I am going to stop here, as I’m sure I could come up with like 9.5 more. Shot out to Slim for the post that got this all started and you, the customer fine folks that kept the conversation flowing.



7 responses to “Stop Fighting Her For His Affection

  1. Good post, Tiff. As a female friend of a few guys myself and as one who’s been the girlfriend of a guy with female friends, I completely understand both perspectives.

    As the girlfriend: I never saw my man’s female friend as a threat, because I didn’t allow her to be. He was into me, he loved me, and I was secure with that. Plus, there’s clearly a reason she’s in his life. I got to know her, and she even came out with us every now and then. To this day, I’m better friends with her than I am the ex.

    As the friend: I must say, Mom always told me not to hang with ugly people. (Shallow, I realize.) Well…I subconsciously stood by that. So yea, my guy friends do look good. And like Tiff said, “As heterosexual beings with enough compatibility to sustain a substantive friendship…” of course I think he’s dateable. Here’s the thing, though, there’s a reason we don’t date and a reason we’re just friends.

    Voicing your insecurities about the friend looks poorly on you (especially if you ain’t been around that long), because it elicits the idea that you don’t trust him or his judgement. Correct me if I’m wrong, Slim and Seattle, but in my experience, guys don’t really like that whole not-being-trusted thing, right? Plus, if he’s gonna leave you for her, he can just as easily leave you for someone else.

    I think what also gets overlooked about this friend is the fact that she might actually help you. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve told my guy friends he was in the wrong about something in his relationship. Yea he complained and told his one-sided tale, but I still took up for wifey, showing him her perspective. Even if I didn’t like the heffa (sorry…I had to use that word), I kept it real. The point is, the friend was here for the last girlfriend, and she’ll still be here for the next. So all of your focus and efforts should be on you and how you’re affecting your relationship, while you still have one…

    (Be careful: If you push hard enough, you could end up like Reese Ellis or Kelby Dawson from Brown Sugar. But Dre and Syd were meant to be together, right? Right.)

  2. Seattle Washington

    Yeah, you’re right. We’re never a fan of that, even when we can’t be trusted. Seriously though, if I’m actually being a stand up guy and not running around, it is a slap in the face.

    Like you said, if my CAFF and I have been friends for years now, we could’ve done the deed a long time ago. There’s as many reasons why she’s in the friend zone with me as there are for her.

    Ultimately, the girlfriend who questions my friendship with my CAFF seems pathetic and insecure about herself. And that’s far from a turn on.

  3. RightCoastLexSteele

    I just really cant wrap my head around the idea of these CAFF and CAMF. For the rest of this post I’ll simply refer to these people as “PYHBY” or people you havent boinked yet. That’s all they are. You might end up boinking, you might not, but that’s all they are. Yea, ok were friends, and we hang out and we’ve known each other all this time, blah blah blah. Now if you are a guy or girl and you’re single and you have all these attractive friends, no problem. (Now if you are boinking all these people that might be a problem. Or a resason for a high five depending on which side of the coin you are on.)
    But if you are in a relationship, focus on your partner people. If you like hanging out w/ your PYHBY so much, then why the @$%# arent you in a relationship with them? You Americans have this saying about cake and eating it too. (Although, why the hell would I get a cake I couldnt eat?) And why the hell would I want to hang out with this friend of yours. I’m just going to sit there and laugh uncomfortably at all you guys’ inside jokes, and then feign interest with dude by talking about sports. And just my luck this idiot is going to be a Red Sox fans (death to the Red Sox nation). I just see these PYHBY as something very unhealthy to a relationship.

    “if she is really a friend, and not a woman with a motive…”

    “If a male-female friendship hasn’t already gotten hot and heavy, the thought has been probably there…and it probably has passed…”

    “If you’re a good woman to her friend…”

    “Even if I didn’t like the heffa (sorry…I had to use that word)”

    Here’s a “if” for ya…IF my aunt had balls, she’d be Uncle. But she doesnt. So we call her “Auntie”. Let’s call this what it is people.

  4. Point noted Mr. Steele (pause). I’m going to address one of your points…

    “But if you are in a relationship, focus on your partner people. If you like hanging out w/ your PYHBY so much, then why the @$%# arent you in a relationship with them?”

    I don’t think it was ever mentioned that the female friend and dude are hanging out all the time. Dudes aren’t always with the fellas, though we may talk to them regularly. That’s not a problem. That’s a characteristic of friends. Life would be miserable to just live in a cottage on the hills with your significant other as the only communication you have unless you’re in a cult that dictates you do such. You need interaction and support outside of what’s in your home sometimes. I don’t think gender should determine that. Additionally, if the friend has a boo of his/her own, they probably won’t have time to be chillin like that. Other thing, you have inside jokes with your same sex friends. If your sig other happens to be around, I’m sure you still make ’em. It almost sounds like your suggesting someone needs to cut ties with their opposite gender friends if they are attractive. As you get older, good friends are harder to find. Every relationship requires sacrifice. I just don’t think what you’re suggesting is a sacrifice that needs to be made unless something legitimate has actually happened… i.e. yall accidentally made out or touched each other in a special place…with or without the influence of alcohol. At that point, maybe you should evaluate your friendship and your relationship.


  5. InsightfullyBlunt

    Very nice comments Sowhatiff an Nyela, I agree. Well put and completely thourough. One thing to add, friends are needed for a successful relationship. If you don’t believe me, do your research. On a different note, individuals of the opposite sex that become friends in their adult lives happen (disclaimer: sometimes if not most)because of initial attraction. (Yeah, you really thought that “ugly” guy or chick would be a great friend and you promptly introduced yourself and things went from there–*sarcasm*) Once again do research, I don’t have to because my studies and common sense already allow me to have that knowledge.

  6. RightCoastLexSteele

    All my friends are ugly. Makes me look like Denzel when I really look like Beanie Siegel.

    -More of that ignorant ish you like.

  7. i love this topic…i am another of those women with some really close male friends.

    ive seen some of my friends’ girlfriends act a fool over it too….thats sad, to me. i coulda been her ally, as i have been to past girlfriends. i cant tell ya how many times ive helped a relationship from behind the scenes when i actually liked the chick….i think as we women we should really try and be cool with our boyfriend/husband’s female friends. they have insights to offer and a perspective that can be very helpful…after all, you just get to see relationship guy. his friend sees the whole thang (no pun intended)

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